Long walk

i called her this morning. She seems to be ok so thats good i think.
i still don't know anything about her. i took the car to the mechanic
shortly after. Its been having heating problems. =( i decided to
walk home which is exactly 5 km away. It took about an hour. Almost
all of it was High Road. Thankfully the weather was superb. Not a
cloud in the sky and the wind was very light. Not many people walked
along paths anymore. So many cars passed me by. i walked into Maccas
and had a chocolate sundae and a medium coke. i then walked past my
old highschool. Can't believe its been over 5 years since i
graduated. i already finished uni too. Time really flies. Thats
something i'm really scared of. One day i might just wake up and
realise i wasted it all. i walked into the newsagent and bought
chewing gum (i don't know why, probably because i forgot to buy phone
credit instead). i then reached home a few minutes later. i still
don't know where i am going.

Really the printer's fault?

i'm really pissed off at my dad and he's pissed off at me. The printer isn't working anymore because the printer is out of ink. Brilliant. You have to be Einstein to figure that out. He's trying to push the blame to me. When i first installed the software and drivers for the F@#$&*^ printer one F@#$&*^ piece of software didn't install. It's called the F@#$&*^ "status monitor 3." i tried to look this problem up on the net. Only a few people have this specific problem and noone has posted (workable) solutions on how to fix it. Now it seems to be my F@#$&*^ fault that the F@#$&*^ status monitor didn't install. i have already contacted epson by email ages ago and they gave me F@#$&*^ advice which F@#$&*^ didn't work. However the printer could still work without the status monitor. It just doesn't show the level of ink there is left in each of the cartridges. i kinda aggravated my dad when i told him that i don't want to waste my time on it and that he should call up epson himself instead of wasting so much time on dancing. i couldn't really be bothered to waste time fixing the F@#$&*^ printer when i was the one telling my dad that he shouldn't F@#$&*^ get it and the only reason why he F@#$&*^ liked it was coz it could print on cds. So he F@#$&*^ bought it in the end and we hardly use the print cd function. The only reason why he uses the F@#$&*^ print cd function was so he could show it off to everyone in the family and his dancing friends that we could F@#$&*^ print on cds. Make that me. Just me. i was the one who printed the F@#$&*^ cds coz my dad can't do it. He just tells me to do it. i can't see the F@#$&*^ point in it when i can just scribble on the cd itself. So much easier and less time wasted. i know i shouldn't be using a lot of profanity but it pisses me off coz i'm being forced to do something i don't believe in and never did. That was a while ago. Its all quiet now. He's sitting 50 cm from me using the other computer right now. Lucky he's not reading this. He'll go beserk. =)

Why try?

i really dunno whats the point in trying sometimes. Why do people try to achieve things that they're not sure of even getting? In these cases there may be some hope of getting what u want, but i think statistically, most of the time it ends up in failure. That's my experience anyway. i just want to give up trying on things that i'm not sure of getting. It hurts more often than not. i think its stupid of me to keep trying so hard. Trying only proves the existence of hope and i already know that hope is just wishful thinking. The more i try, the more pain just comes my way. It's really stupid. At school and even at home we're always told to try our best. Although thats intended to be a good thing (our parents and teachers want us to be educated well), it affects how we behave in the real world. For everyone to keep trying so hard for things that they may never get; it creates so much sadness and despair in their lives. It's such a cruel world.

Tim Tams

i don't think its going too well. i don't think i am goin too well
either. i really wanted to take 3 or 4 straight shots of jack and put
myself to sleep but i have work tonight so i decided on chocolate. i
just finished a whole box of tim tams with a lot of milk in between.
i'm a sucker for chocolate and i thought it would make me happy. i
don't feel better at all...infact now i feel like throwing up too.
Listening to music is just like listening to noise now. i don't feel
like working tonight. Why did i agree to it? There's a small voice in
my head giving me advice. i think it wants to help me out. i would
want to listen but nobody in their right minds would agree to it.
Except me.

Census!

When i told Cherish that i dunno how its currently goin with her, he replied:

Christopher says:
=(
Cherish says:
dont get stuck with tht...there r plenty out there...infact if ulook at the census form there are 300,000 more females between 18 and 30 yrs than males
Cherish says:
page 5 i think
Christopher says:
u are crazy
Cherish says:
hahahaha

300 000 doesn't mean anything. Zero girls would want to go out with a boring, shy, nervous depressed idiot. Well at least i'll remember to remind my dad that the census form came. Completely forgotton about that. Friends these days. So helpful in so many ways.

Strange dream

Reality becomes truth? What if i can't handle the truth, or if the
truth is really bad and i don't want to accept it? It was my dad's
birthday yesterday. We had dinner at a chinese restaurant nearby.
They took a long time before they could serve us but once we got our
food we ate until we were stuffed. It was quite good. We had honey
chicken, lemon chicken, fried squid, chicken with 4 types of mushrooms
and tea. Hot chinese tea feels so nice after a big oily dinner. Also
i had a strange dream last night. It was one of those dreams when i
KNOW i'm dreaming so i could do almost anything i want. Usually these
dreams are so cool coz i could have the best fantasies ever =D.
Unfortunately it was kinda strange coz i knew i was dreaming yet i
wasn't in total control of my environment. Anyway i was in a shopping
centre and i met this guy (have no idea who he is). And somehow we get
into a fight. i was trying to be reasonable but he started it. And i told him
that it was MY dream and that he was gonna get it. So i summoned a
shockwave blast and sent him flying to the ground. But he got back up
and i thought 'oh shit, WTF' and we were on the floor wrestling and i had
this opportunity to kick him square on in the face. All i had to do was
thrash out my leg. And as soon as my leg lifted, i woke up and kicked
my blanket to the floor. Still have no idea who he is coz i never seen him
before!! And i couldn't beat him even though he was on MY turf. =S
Grr it pisses me off. If it ever happens again i'm gonna clobber him with
a lightning bolt. i also had another dream where i was in my room and i
found that my trusty rusty work knife was cut in 3 pieces. It seems
impossible coz its made of steel and hard rubber parts. i somehow
thought that it was MY fault that its broken.

Happy and Sad

Surrealism becomes reality pretty quickly. i really still don't know
how she feels. In fact i don't really know that much about her. The
small things that i DO know leads me to really wild crazy assumptions
which are really too crazy to write down or assume out loud. STILL i
don't care as i have never been in a situation like this before (and
i'm also crazy about her) and probably might never will. She told me
she's goin away forever, and i don't know how to react. She said she
should of told me sooner. i don't really believe her simple reason on
WHY she is moving away. BUT moving away forever means that it would
probably end. i think i am crazy about her and would probably want to
go with her. i somehow have an instinctal feeling that she won't
allow that and this relationship is just a small casual goodbye fling
to her. Although it does upset me, i am still really happy coz she
said stuff to me that only couples should hear. To be honest i never
expected words like that to ever reach a person like me. It really
meant a lot to me. i'm so pathetic. Its stupid coz even though we
talked last night, i miss her already. i have no idea why she takes
so long to reply to a msg. i really hate waiting. i told a workmate
that "i feel like the most happiest and saddest person in the world"
and he said "thats quite a contrast". Yes indeed.

Tongue tied

i started work today and looked to see if she was there. After about 30 mins of pulling pallets, i gave up hope of seeing her. Then as i was moving to the front, i met her. Asked how her car was. Didn't have a chance of asking her out coz a manager was very nearby. 10 mins later, i was at the front with a pallet again and we made small talk. Small talk became big talk really quickly.

C:Hey, I'm gonna find you an asian girl
me: Whyyyy?
C:Coz asian guys prefer asian girls
me:Thats not true!
C:Do u prefer asian girls?
me:Uh i prefer any girl i guess
C:Coz I asked out an asian guy in highschool and he said no but said he would only go out with me if I was asian.
me:Would you go out with me?
C:What? Are you serious?
me:uhh...No
c:Coz if you are, I would, you know
me...
C:OMG u ARE serious! That is so cute!
me...
C:I'd like to go out with u. I'd write down my number for you later
me:ok

Shyness be damned! i hate getting tongue tied and looking stoopid. But at the same time i feel that i received a second chance. She somehow knew i was being serious even though i tried to deny it. i still don't want to hope too much. After that conversation i felt fear, confusion and happiness at the same time. It was really wierd. Almost as if i was scared of meeting her again. Everything seemed different. Would i be different? Would she be different? Why on earth would she want to go out with me??? WHAT TO DO NOW?? Am i dreaming or hallucinating? A while later she passed me her number and that was it. i came home about 12:30am and didn't want to msg her coz she's probably sleeping by now. i haven't told any of my work mates about it and don't plan to at the moment. Too much thinking is hurting my head. Gonna sleep now.

Ways of hurt

i went ice skating with my cousin again on Saturday. i tried to race
one of my cousin's friends and had a great time weaving very closely
between slow and fast ice skaters. i then slipped while trying a
tight turn, rolled in the air a couple of times and hit the ice hard
before skidding a few metres. Ouchie. But it was nothing compared 10
mins later when i tripped on the ice, and had a split second choice of
continuing forward, and risk landing on my face and causing a pile up
from skaters behind me, OR banking hard to the right and into the
barrier at high speed and risk hitting a man teaching his woman how to
skate. (Ice skating newbies usually hold on to the barrier for
support.) i chose to go into the barrier, but coz of the speed i found
out (too late) that i wasn't gonna make in into the barrier without
hitting the couple first. i didn't want a full body contact blow so i
sorta fell hard on my right knee and slid on the ice and crashed
headfirst into a pair of female legs. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. i said
so many sorrys. Luckily the woman didn't fall. The guy said to me,
"that's a good way to stop". And i was wondering IS HE ABOUT TO KICK
MY ASS?? i can fight on solid ground, but on ICE wearing ice skates??
He seemed non hostile though and i made my way to the bench to examine
my poor knee. Luckily the bruise was on the opposite side of my knee
away from the side where i had my arthroscopy. When i got home i
found a nasty gash on my left leg. It must of been where the ice
skate boot's edge rubbed against the skin. =( Pain. i spent Sunday
relaxing and resting my poor battered body. My arms seem sore for
some reason. Probably when i tried to break my falls on the ice.

i was hoping to see the girl i like at work today but unfortunately i
didn't see her at all. i bumped my knee accidently against a shelf.
IT HURT A LOT. Now i can't bend it all the way and i can't squat
anymore. =( i think i have a cold as well. My throat was really sore
and dry this morning and just now while i was under the shower my
hands felt COLD even though the water was HOT. i know i probably
should skip work tomorrow, but if i don't work then i don't get to see
her. Thats already been hurting me for the past couple of weeks. i
don't know which hurts more though. Health should come first, but
health means nothing when compared to feeling like crap.

i messed up

i know i messed it up. i didn't see her at work today. And i don't think i will ever get an opportunity like that again. i shouldn't have hoped so much. Hope is like a fungus or mushroom. It grows in dark places. And if u don't kill it straight away and it turns out to be poisonous, it may end up killing u later. But if it isn't poisonous, it might be good in soup or perhaps even fried. =P i haven't given up yet. i dunno if that is a good or bad thing. Typing the word 'suicide' in the firefox address bar brings up a page designed to dissuade anyone from killing themselves. i agree with the '5 things to think about' except for point 3. Relief may be a feeling that can be felt after the pain has stopped and can only be felt if u are still alive, but if u can stop the pain anyway, isn't that good enough? A few DAYS of despair is surely better than an unforeseen ETERNITY of despair. That's how i see the scales sometimes. Maybe i should get some sleep. i think its late.

Long day

In fact, the past few days have been excruciating long for me. i was
planning on working on friday to meet the girl who may or may not like
me and also may or may not be at work. i guess i'm still kicking
myself for not asking her out that day. But my supervisor called and
said that there wasn't much work to do so i was told not to come. i
wouldn't be working next week (except for friday) coz of the
stocktake. When u want to do something and there's nothing u can do
about it except to wait, it makes time slow down heaps. It also makes
u think that anything bad can happen in this very long wait. Today i
took my lil bro to have a haircut along with myself. After that i
went to buy the movie tickets for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. There
was about an hour till the movie started so i called Daniel and
visited him at work. He gave us free pizza. =) i also remembered to
give him his birthday card. Then i went back to carousel and watched
the movie. It was pretty good and funny. And i'm at home now doing
this blog. i really really need to talk to that girl i like. i
really need to know something. Its not fair i have to wait such a long
time.

Afraid to hope?

We all have heard of the phrase, "Everything to gain, Nothing to
lose." We also have heard of this phrase, "Nothing to gain, Everything
to lose." Well, if u have everything, then there is always the
possibility of losing it all. But then again, if u have nothing, then
there is a possibility of gaining everything. It could be like a
cycle that goes on and on and on. One of the most important things in
life is happiness. If u are happy then there is a chance of losing it,
but if u are not happy, is it ever possible to be happy again? Hoping
to be happy doesn't really work coz its hard to hope if you're
unhappy. i dunno if i am happy or unhappy right now. i don't really
want to hope too much either. i think its probably because i have a
crush on a girl from work. =S i'm happy coz i THINK she MIGHT like
me. But i'm unhappy coz i'm afraid to be happy and hope too much.
Always dunno what to do.

Ice Skating!

i went ice skating with my cuz and her friends yesterday. It was really scary at first because the last time i went ice skating was about 10 years ago. But after 10 minutes of awkward slipping i quickly learnt how to 'skate'. i couldn't figure out how to brake and i can't turn at sharp angles but at least i can go fast and around the ice rink. We played a few games of tag which was fun. i accidently crashed into my cousin at high speed when a kid came out of nowhere and i tried to avoid it. =S We then had lunch at carousel and watched a bit of the Garfield on stage thing. There was a massive dressup of garfield and odie dancing on the stage. =D Garfield is so cool. i need to save up more $$$. i bought Jamie's old computer for 400 bucks and have been playing around with that. i know i have a lot to do but i can't remember.

Lego Mania!

What happens if u cross a police car with a race car?

+

=

U get a street fighting drag machine. =D Ok i seem to have gone a little crazy with lego, but i couldn't help myself coz there was a crazy toy sale. Kmart seems busier than ever coz of the stocktake sale and also the coming of the school holidays. All these parents rushing to buy toys for their kids while the price is cheap is creating a lot of work we have to do when they leave. i also bought myself an Exo-force Mech called the Stealth Hunter. It looks like a cross between gundam and macross. Supposedly there's an alternate model i can build called the stealth wasp. But they don't have instructions for that. i'll try to look it up on the net. The are pics of the stealth wasp and they look really cool. i had to take my supervisor home last night after work. Her car seems to have been in a crash. Anyways it was kinda wierd when as i'm pulling out of the carpark, she tells me to slow down just to yell out random things to my workmates as they are still in the carpark. The same thing also happened when i arrived at the traffic lights and there was a workmate in the lane next to us. Sometimes i think she has maturity of a teenager. i also found out that she lives just down the road from my house. =S It's a small crazy world. Oh well, gonna play with lego now.

Blogging for a year

Actually this is not true. i've been blogging since april in 2004. i
changed to blogger in july 2005 and recently i noticed that its been a
year since i first posted at blogger. i still remember the first post
i made in blogger. It really shows how time flies. i switched to
blogger in an attempt to get away from my own demons, but they seem to
get to me from time to time. i also liked the way i could manipulate
the layout of the blog using blogger's xml scripting. It's really
cool. Going through a year's worth of archives shows that i've had
a lot of ups and downs but i seem to take every day as it comes
without much preparation. Maybe that's a thing i can learn from. i
can't prepare what's gonna happen in the future. The archives shows
what i've been thinking and doing mainly throughout the end of my uni
life to the start of working life. i don't think i've changed much
since the first time i blogged at blogger. i guess i am adapting to
my environment. In other news i took my grandparents home from the
airport today. i was waiting for them in the arrivals section and was
surprised to see them escorted by a nice customs officer. i guess she
wanted to talk to the relatives who could speak enough english to
understand and translate. It turns out that for the fruits or veggies
that ARE allowed to be bought into this country, they must have labels
of the ingredients in English written on the product package. The
only reason she didn't seize all his preserved fruit was coz my
grandpa had a whole massive enormous box of it. But she believed that
there were no egg or milk products in the box coz my grandpa told her
(somehow) that they were strict vegetarians that don't take eggs or
milk. Almost to the extent of vegans. i kinda want my own parents to
come back sooner. Organising dinner for my siblings is kinda getting
tedious now. Kinda not looking forward to work tomorrow. Pyscho toy
sale is stressful.

Got car back!

i finally got the ford laser back. It didn't need a new engine, and
luckily there wasn't any noticeable damage to the engine. The main
problem that caused the whole mess was a clogged oil pump thing. The
previous mechanics tried to rip us off by saying that a new engine was
needed. And i think they were the ones who caused the problem in the
first place by not servicing it well and saying that they changed the
oil when in fact they didn't. Still i heard it was a tedious task to
fix it, coz the engine has to be taken apart to clean it. Boy i miss
being in the ford laser. Having a little trouble getting used to it
though. i think i became lazy and relied on power steering too much.
Hmm gotta decide what to cook tonight before i go to work.

Shot in the head

Had a big day today. Went paintballing with Daniel and his friends in Malaga. That was really fun. i got put into a crappy team i think. In the second round i ran forwards to position myself behind a cover and then started taking pot shots at any bobbing heads peeping out of the opposing side's covers, when an orange SPLAT exploded within 20 cm of my head ON MY OWN SIDE OF THE COVER. i had a strong feeling that i had a very nooby team. Sure enough about 30 seconds later a sharp force hit me on the back of my head followed by a very sharp and also dull pain. i would have thought that the first splat next to my head would have reminded the BLIND and/or MORONIC idiot to AIM FIRST and then fire. Hopefully he doesn't join the army. They seem to have enough problems of their own already and definitely would not want another 'incident'. Some other guy in my team didn't realise that he was firing blanks from his gun which obviously had a paintball jam. i tried to shout it to him, but i don't think he noticed. Overall my side only won 3 out of 8 games. Daniel recieved a few bruises and some kid broke his ankle badly in the capture the flag round. It was very exciting for me when my shots hit the person that is also shooting at me, especially when that dude that charged and panicked when he saw me standing behind a cover with my gun pointing at him which caused him to run around me (not very gracefully) and started shooting wildly, (more importantly inaccurately), which kept me alive and allowed me to 'plant' an orange mark in his face mask at a distance of three meters to end the battle. It was also a bit nerve racking when i realised that my team was really crap and we were probably gonna get hurt with paintballs exiting their barrels at 400kms/hr. Also went to karaoke later in the night. Daniel got drunk and i got him to sing country songs and other funny songs that would seem funny when sung by intoxicated individuals whose normal sober singing may have normally been within a reasonable coherent level, if not for their reaction times which were slowed to the point where words were out of sync with the words on the screen and were 'sung' with such a slurred rambling loud noise-like and sometimes shouting tone that it would have gave a large array of ammunition of self-esteem-destroying verbal insults for the judges of Australian Idol. Anyways it was all in good fun and i managed to get some fresh air away from slaving at work and at home where i have to look after my siblings whose parents decided to go on a one month overseas vacation and happened to be the only "real" cooks in a low-level dysfunctional family that could cook proper asian style dishes that go well with a nice hot steamy plate of rice. Still me and my sis's cooking skills have improved somewhat in the past week although i really do hate my sis's steamed peas, carrots and corn which are completely tasteless but however, we should still be able to keep ourselves away from malnourishment till the time our parents come back. My head still hurts.

New mechanic

i think that my dad is finally convinced that the mechanics are dodgy so we moved the car to a different automobile workshop. The engine might still be salvagable, but it might cost a bit. Currently all options are on the table, fixing the engine, buying a second hand engine or buying a rebuilt reconditioned engine. The mechanic just has to have a look at it first. In the pic, our car is the one of the left and a Mazda 323 is on the right. They both use the same engine; a mazda B6 1.6 L EFI engine. i like the ford laser better. It's more curvier and sexier. =) In other news, i didn't get the Dampier job i really really so wanted. Dunno what to do now. i guess it was just a dream and dreams don't come true for most people. Especially for me =(

What a comeback!

i interrupted my sis's dvd program to see how Eagles were playing against Geelong. i saw that Eagles were getting thrashed by over fifty points and it was already near the end of third quarter so i decided to stop watching and let my sis watch her show. When her show finished a short time later, Eagles were only losing by 2 goals and there was still about 15 mins left. Eagles managed to get in front by a few points but then Geelong kicked a goal to get in front very very near the end of the quarter. Then Geelong decided to waste time which was really annoying. But Eagles had the last laugh when they manage to kick the last goal to get in front. It was a great game. Too bad i missed on most of it, but at least i saw the end of it. i found out today that the ford laser's engine is basically dead. The options are trade in, or get a new engine to be fitted in. We're probably gonna get a 'reconditioned engine' which is basically a second hand engine and the cost is gonna be lots of $$$ and my dad is not happy and is trying to push the blame to me. Anyways, he seems to have cooled down and we were invited to dinner at a chinese restaurant (Chin's Noodle House) by his god nephew. The restaurant kinda pissed us off coz our 'reserved table' wasn't there even though it was already booked. But half an hour later we got down to munching and it was pretty ok. i liked the appetiser with the spring roll wrap with fatty duck meat, spring onion and sweet sugary black sauce. When the wraps finished, i used the fatty duck meat as the wrap (as in picture) and it tasted just as good. Not particularly healthy though. The meal was ok. Long weekend! Whoopee.

Dream car gone.

On Monday, i saw a two door TX3 for sale for only 850 bucks parked
outside a house. But my dad told me to forget about it. i don't
think chances like that are likely to appear again. i feel like i lost
something even though i never had it. Life isn't fair.