Insignificance

i was at work today pulling out the special sales tags from shelves
coz it was the last day of the MONSTER storewide sale. Anyways a very
pregnant lady came up to my aisle, looked up and began to climb the
shelf to get a high item. i can't believe that she didn't ask me for
help as i was quite literally next to her. i stopped her from
climbing and took down the item for her. The fact that she would risk
injury to an unborn child to get an item that she couldn't be bothered
asking me for help really made me feel like nothing. i mean i always
feel insignificant anyway, but now i know that i must also LOOK
insignificant too. That really made me feel like i was noone. i was
in kmart uniform, and unlike some of my workmates, i had the black
pants and black shoes as well instead of sneakers. i guess i should
get used to it. i AM insignificant and probably always will be.

Not fair

It's been hard weekend for me. So much crap to go through. If there was a fast and easy and painless way to die, i wouldn't hesitate to take it and go. i'm in that horrible state now. i hate being used. i have to find a way to be free. My dad thought it would be a good idea to buy a dvd recorder so that he can hook it up with the video cam to record his stupid dancing. i have no problem with that except he puts pressure on me to get it working. It pisses me off so bad. i was being criticized for plugging in the cables coz my dad thought i was plugging them in wrong. When i try to explain to him that theres no point in plugging the video and 2 audio heads in the 3 HD visual ports he tried to convince me that he's following the manual. It's so friggin stupid. i tried so hard to explain to him that theres no point in it, and that it doesn't work like that but he wouldn't listen. In the end he finally believed me, but i was still very annoyed that it took him so long. i actually had to show him by putting in a dvd that it works MY way and not his messed up way of not actually knowing what he is doing. The problem with some people is that they pretend to be smart but end up doing looking very stupid. He told me to get the video cam to dvd harddrive function working. i guess in the future, it means i have to tape all his crap for him coz he can't be bothered learning how to do it himself. In other news, i found out that my little cousin has leukemia. It's so not fair. No kid 3-4 years old deserves to have needle injections and undergo the pain of chemo. i really hope he does ok. He's learning how to talk and paint. There are his paintings and photos of him self all over the wall in his house. Life is so unfair. He's gonna spend a month in hospital. My parents want to support my uncle and aunty but that's causing them to argue at each other coz it puts pressure on them. They want to organise with my other uncles and aunties to cook for them. i sense that there IS a messed up mixuture of competition or responsibilty of some sort and it is causing troubles beneath the surface. There is never any peace and quiet. This house is so chaotic. i just want it to end so badly. i guess this is how people turn to drugs. i want to drink lots of alcohol and feel the effects. It's a very strong feeling that i want to feel and forget all this crap. i don't deserve this anger and pain.

Subway, Eat Fresh

i was gonna blog last night, but i had a really big day and just needed to crash. On tuesday i woke up to my phone ringing. Jamie wanted to meet up to discuss his software application, so we decided to meet up at garbo for lunch. i wanted subway coz i've been eating a lot of junk food recently. i asked for a foot long, and when the girl asked what type i wanted, i just said, "Anything, surprise me." And as she made the sub, she asked if this bread, salad, sauce is ok, and i said, "Yeah, anything." She told me, "you're easy to please" and i thought, yeah, if i'm paying for the food, and for the food to be made, i might as well have them decide what i'm getting as well. i don't have to pay extra for that. Turns out the sub was probably the best sub i've ever had. After gobbling it up i realised i didn't know the name of the sub or if it even had a name, so if i wanted the same sub again, i'm totally stuffed. Anyways me and Jamie talked about the software which we're gonna make good and then sell it to make millions. It's uber top secret stuff. After that i had work and a recovery lady who just started her shift walked by me said, "Hello sweety" and put a hand on my back and moved it down to my butt. In a reflex motion i immediately arched my back and thought WHOA, CREEPY. i'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but my butt is ultra sensitive to touch. i remember i was shopping once and a woman lightly brushed her trolley against my butt. i literally jumped in the air. Anyways i also saw the girl i have a crush on and she told me she was moving away soon. i was ripped apart. Couldn't think straight, didn't know what to say. So many things that i WANTED to say but it all came to my head at once and i couldn't say anything. i don't want to get down over it. i'm sure she doesn't want that too, so i'm gonna force myself to play ragnarok and level up my lil bro's character. Tonight i had an easy night at work. Tomorrow i have to pick up my aunty's car from the smash repair place. Always busy.

flirting or teasing?

i was really really happy and a bit confused at work tonight. Its
probably because she was there teasing me. i dunno if she was serious
or not, but i was really happy coz she talked to me and stuff.
Although much of what she said was jokes and made me laugh, i never
received that much attention from her at work before. i have to admit
that i was nervous about her being so flirty, and doing poses and
giving me looks, BUT i still liked it very much. i was happy that she
was having fun with me and knew that i'm not really good in such
situations. Its so confusing. Shes probably just teasing me, i don't
know. i'd really like to know what she really is thinking sometimes.
Meh. i got addicted to the word 'meh'. Its used in text. Commonly
written and read, but not usually spoken i think. Don't quote me. i
think its used to disregard the previous subject or end it in a polite
manner. Or maybe its just something to say when nothing else or
better can be said.

Enjoy life?

i think i know whats wrong with me at the moment. i'm not enjoying my
life. i'm also not doing anything about it either. And its because
that i'm not enjoying it, its forcing me to stay that way. In a hole i
created. i SHOULD be doing important things, like finding a career
job, find a way to move out, but i CAN'T. i keep putting myself down
so much that its now really hard to try. i'm also distracted by
things like quick money and relationships. It really sucks to be me. i
wish i was happier, but i have nothing really to be happy about. i'm
not the guy who drinks a lot but who knows? In the future i might
become some overweight alcoholic slob on a couch. i cannot really see
the future. While i was in uni i saw it probably ending up 6 feet
under before i reached 21. But now that i AM 21 and going on 22 is it
any different? Perhaps i should take comfort in knowing that i didn't
have the guts in the past and probably never will.

Long walk

i called her this morning. She seems to be ok so thats good i think.
i still don't know anything about her. i took the car to the mechanic
shortly after. Its been having heating problems. =( i decided to
walk home which is exactly 5 km away. It took about an hour. Almost
all of it was High Road. Thankfully the weather was superb. Not a
cloud in the sky and the wind was very light. Not many people walked
along paths anymore. So many cars passed me by. i walked into Maccas
and had a chocolate sundae and a medium coke. i then walked past my
old highschool. Can't believe its been over 5 years since i
graduated. i already finished uni too. Time really flies. Thats
something i'm really scared of. One day i might just wake up and
realise i wasted it all. i walked into the newsagent and bought
chewing gum (i don't know why, probably because i forgot to buy phone
credit instead). i then reached home a few minutes later. i still
don't know where i am going.

Really the printer's fault?

i'm really pissed off at my dad and he's pissed off at me. The printer isn't working anymore because the printer is out of ink. Brilliant. You have to be Einstein to figure that out. He's trying to push the blame to me. When i first installed the software and drivers for the F@#$&*^ printer one F@#$&*^ piece of software didn't install. It's called the F@#$&*^ "status monitor 3." i tried to look this problem up on the net. Only a few people have this specific problem and noone has posted (workable) solutions on how to fix it. Now it seems to be my F@#$&*^ fault that the F@#$&*^ status monitor didn't install. i have already contacted epson by email ages ago and they gave me F@#$&*^ advice which F@#$&*^ didn't work. However the printer could still work without the status monitor. It just doesn't show the level of ink there is left in each of the cartridges. i kinda aggravated my dad when i told him that i don't want to waste my time on it and that he should call up epson himself instead of wasting so much time on dancing. i couldn't really be bothered to waste time fixing the F@#$&*^ printer when i was the one telling my dad that he shouldn't F@#$&*^ get it and the only reason why he F@#$&*^ liked it was coz it could print on cds. So he F@#$&*^ bought it in the end and we hardly use the print cd function. The only reason why he uses the F@#$&*^ print cd function was so he could show it off to everyone in the family and his dancing friends that we could F@#$&*^ print on cds. Make that me. Just me. i was the one who printed the F@#$&*^ cds coz my dad can't do it. He just tells me to do it. i can't see the F@#$&*^ point in it when i can just scribble on the cd itself. So much easier and less time wasted. i know i shouldn't be using a lot of profanity but it pisses me off coz i'm being forced to do something i don't believe in and never did. That was a while ago. Its all quiet now. He's sitting 50 cm from me using the other computer right now. Lucky he's not reading this. He'll go beserk. =)

Why try?

i really dunno whats the point in trying sometimes. Why do people try to achieve things that they're not sure of even getting? In these cases there may be some hope of getting what u want, but i think statistically, most of the time it ends up in failure. That's my experience anyway. i just want to give up trying on things that i'm not sure of getting. It hurts more often than not. i think its stupid of me to keep trying so hard. Trying only proves the existence of hope and i already know that hope is just wishful thinking. The more i try, the more pain just comes my way. It's really stupid. At school and even at home we're always told to try our best. Although thats intended to be a good thing (our parents and teachers want us to be educated well), it affects how we behave in the real world. For everyone to keep trying so hard for things that they may never get; it creates so much sadness and despair in their lives. It's such a cruel world.

Tim Tams

i don't think its going too well. i don't think i am goin too well
either. i really wanted to take 3 or 4 straight shots of jack and put
myself to sleep but i have work tonight so i decided on chocolate. i
just finished a whole box of tim tams with a lot of milk in between.
i'm a sucker for chocolate and i thought it would make me happy. i
don't feel better at all...infact now i feel like throwing up too.
Listening to music is just like listening to noise now. i don't feel
like working tonight. Why did i agree to it? There's a small voice in
my head giving me advice. i think it wants to help me out. i would
want to listen but nobody in their right minds would agree to it.
Except me.

Census!

When i told Cherish that i dunno how its currently goin with her, he replied:

Christopher says:
=(
Cherish says:
dont get stuck with tht...there r plenty out there...infact if ulook at the census form there are 300,000 more females between 18 and 30 yrs than males
Cherish says:
page 5 i think
Christopher says:
u are crazy
Cherish says:
hahahaha

300 000 doesn't mean anything. Zero girls would want to go out with a boring, shy, nervous depressed idiot. Well at least i'll remember to remind my dad that the census form came. Completely forgotton about that. Friends these days. So helpful in so many ways.

Strange dream

Reality becomes truth? What if i can't handle the truth, or if the
truth is really bad and i don't want to accept it? It was my dad's
birthday yesterday. We had dinner at a chinese restaurant nearby.
They took a long time before they could serve us but once we got our
food we ate until we were stuffed. It was quite good. We had honey
chicken, lemon chicken, fried squid, chicken with 4 types of mushrooms
and tea. Hot chinese tea feels so nice after a big oily dinner. Also
i had a strange dream last night. It was one of those dreams when i
KNOW i'm dreaming so i could do almost anything i want. Usually these
dreams are so cool coz i could have the best fantasies ever =D.
Unfortunately it was kinda strange coz i knew i was dreaming yet i
wasn't in total control of my environment. Anyway i was in a shopping
centre and i met this guy (have no idea who he is). And somehow we get
into a fight. i was trying to be reasonable but he started it. And i told him
that it was MY dream and that he was gonna get it. So i summoned a
shockwave blast and sent him flying to the ground. But he got back up
and i thought 'oh shit, WTF' and we were on the floor wrestling and i had
this opportunity to kick him square on in the face. All i had to do was
thrash out my leg. And as soon as my leg lifted, i woke up and kicked
my blanket to the floor. Still have no idea who he is coz i never seen him
before!! And i couldn't beat him even though he was on MY turf. =S
Grr it pisses me off. If it ever happens again i'm gonna clobber him with
a lightning bolt. i also had another dream where i was in my room and i
found that my trusty rusty work knife was cut in 3 pieces. It seems
impossible coz its made of steel and hard rubber parts. i somehow
thought that it was MY fault that its broken.

Happy and Sad

Surrealism becomes reality pretty quickly. i really still don't know
how she feels. In fact i don't really know that much about her. The
small things that i DO know leads me to really wild crazy assumptions
which are really too crazy to write down or assume out loud. STILL i
don't care as i have never been in a situation like this before (and
i'm also crazy about her) and probably might never will. She told me
she's goin away forever, and i don't know how to react. She said she
should of told me sooner. i don't really believe her simple reason on
WHY she is moving away. BUT moving away forever means that it would
probably end. i think i am crazy about her and would probably want to
go with her. i somehow have an instinctal feeling that she won't
allow that and this relationship is just a small casual goodbye fling
to her. Although it does upset me, i am still really happy coz she
said stuff to me that only couples should hear. To be honest i never
expected words like that to ever reach a person like me. It really
meant a lot to me. i'm so pathetic. Its stupid coz even though we
talked last night, i miss her already. i have no idea why she takes
so long to reply to a msg. i really hate waiting. i told a workmate
that "i feel like the most happiest and saddest person in the world"
and he said "thats quite a contrast". Yes indeed.

Tongue tied

i started work today and looked to see if she was there. After about 30 mins of pulling pallets, i gave up hope of seeing her. Then as i was moving to the front, i met her. Asked how her car was. Didn't have a chance of asking her out coz a manager was very nearby. 10 mins later, i was at the front with a pallet again and we made small talk. Small talk became big talk really quickly.

C:Hey, I'm gonna find you an asian girl
me: Whyyyy?
C:Coz asian guys prefer asian girls
me:Thats not true!
C:Do u prefer asian girls?
me:Uh i prefer any girl i guess
C:Coz I asked out an asian guy in highschool and he said no but said he would only go out with me if I was asian.
me:Would you go out with me?
C:What? Are you serious?
me:uhh...No
c:Coz if you are, I would, you know
me...
C:OMG u ARE serious! That is so cute!
me...
C:I'd like to go out with u. I'd write down my number for you later
me:ok

Shyness be damned! i hate getting tongue tied and looking stoopid. But at the same time i feel that i received a second chance. She somehow knew i was being serious even though i tried to deny it. i still don't want to hope too much. After that conversation i felt fear, confusion and happiness at the same time. It was really wierd. Almost as if i was scared of meeting her again. Everything seemed different. Would i be different? Would she be different? Why on earth would she want to go out with me??? WHAT TO DO NOW?? Am i dreaming or hallucinating? A while later she passed me her number and that was it. i came home about 12:30am and didn't want to msg her coz she's probably sleeping by now. i haven't told any of my work mates about it and don't plan to at the moment. Too much thinking is hurting my head. Gonna sleep now.

Ways of hurt

i went ice skating with my cousin again on Saturday. i tried to race
one of my cousin's friends and had a great time weaving very closely
between slow and fast ice skaters. i then slipped while trying a
tight turn, rolled in the air a couple of times and hit the ice hard
before skidding a few metres. Ouchie. But it was nothing compared 10
mins later when i tripped on the ice, and had a split second choice of
continuing forward, and risk landing on my face and causing a pile up
from skaters behind me, OR banking hard to the right and into the
barrier at high speed and risk hitting a man teaching his woman how to
skate. (Ice skating newbies usually hold on to the barrier for
support.) i chose to go into the barrier, but coz of the speed i found
out (too late) that i wasn't gonna make in into the barrier without
hitting the couple first. i didn't want a full body contact blow so i
sorta fell hard on my right knee and slid on the ice and crashed
headfirst into a pair of female legs. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. i said
so many sorrys. Luckily the woman didn't fall. The guy said to me,
"that's a good way to stop". And i was wondering IS HE ABOUT TO KICK
MY ASS?? i can fight on solid ground, but on ICE wearing ice skates??
He seemed non hostile though and i made my way to the bench to examine
my poor knee. Luckily the bruise was on the opposite side of my knee
away from the side where i had my arthroscopy. When i got home i
found a nasty gash on my left leg. It must of been where the ice
skate boot's edge rubbed against the skin. =( Pain. i spent Sunday
relaxing and resting my poor battered body. My arms seem sore for
some reason. Probably when i tried to break my falls on the ice.

i was hoping to see the girl i like at work today but unfortunately i
didn't see her at all. i bumped my knee accidently against a shelf.
IT HURT A LOT. Now i can't bend it all the way and i can't squat
anymore. =( i think i have a cold as well. My throat was really sore
and dry this morning and just now while i was under the shower my
hands felt COLD even though the water was HOT. i know i probably
should skip work tomorrow, but if i don't work then i don't get to see
her. Thats already been hurting me for the past couple of weeks. i
don't know which hurts more though. Health should come first, but
health means nothing when compared to feeling like crap.

i messed up

i know i messed it up. i didn't see her at work today. And i don't think i will ever get an opportunity like that again. i shouldn't have hoped so much. Hope is like a fungus or mushroom. It grows in dark places. And if u don't kill it straight away and it turns out to be poisonous, it may end up killing u later. But if it isn't poisonous, it might be good in soup or perhaps even fried. =P i haven't given up yet. i dunno if that is a good or bad thing. Typing the word 'suicide' in the firefox address bar brings up a page designed to dissuade anyone from killing themselves. i agree with the '5 things to think about' except for point 3. Relief may be a feeling that can be felt after the pain has stopped and can only be felt if u are still alive, but if u can stop the pain anyway, isn't that good enough? A few DAYS of despair is surely better than an unforeseen ETERNITY of despair. That's how i see the scales sometimes. Maybe i should get some sleep. i think its late.

Long day

In fact, the past few days have been excruciating long for me. i was
planning on working on friday to meet the girl who may or may not like
me and also may or may not be at work. i guess i'm still kicking
myself for not asking her out that day. But my supervisor called and
said that there wasn't much work to do so i was told not to come. i
wouldn't be working next week (except for friday) coz of the
stocktake. When u want to do something and there's nothing u can do
about it except to wait, it makes time slow down heaps. It also makes
u think that anything bad can happen in this very long wait. Today i
took my lil bro to have a haircut along with myself. After that i
went to buy the movie tickets for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. There
was about an hour till the movie started so i called Daniel and
visited him at work. He gave us free pizza. =) i also remembered to
give him his birthday card. Then i went back to carousel and watched
the movie. It was pretty good and funny. And i'm at home now doing
this blog. i really really need to talk to that girl i like. i
really need to know something. Its not fair i have to wait such a long
time.

Afraid to hope?

We all have heard of the phrase, "Everything to gain, Nothing to
lose." We also have heard of this phrase, "Nothing to gain, Everything
to lose." Well, if u have everything, then there is always the
possibility of losing it all. But then again, if u have nothing, then
there is a possibility of gaining everything. It could be like a
cycle that goes on and on and on. One of the most important things in
life is happiness. If u are happy then there is a chance of losing it,
but if u are not happy, is it ever possible to be happy again? Hoping
to be happy doesn't really work coz its hard to hope if you're
unhappy. i dunno if i am happy or unhappy right now. i don't really
want to hope too much either. i think its probably because i have a
crush on a girl from work. =S i'm happy coz i THINK she MIGHT like
me. But i'm unhappy coz i'm afraid to be happy and hope too much.
Always dunno what to do.

Ice Skating!

i went ice skating with my cuz and her friends yesterday. It was really scary at first because the last time i went ice skating was about 10 years ago. But after 10 minutes of awkward slipping i quickly learnt how to 'skate'. i couldn't figure out how to brake and i can't turn at sharp angles but at least i can go fast and around the ice rink. We played a few games of tag which was fun. i accidently crashed into my cousin at high speed when a kid came out of nowhere and i tried to avoid it. =S We then had lunch at carousel and watched a bit of the Garfield on stage thing. There was a massive dressup of garfield and odie dancing on the stage. =D Garfield is so cool. i need to save up more $$$. i bought Jamie's old computer for 400 bucks and have been playing around with that. i know i have a lot to do but i can't remember.

Lego Mania!

What happens if u cross a police car with a race car?

+

=

U get a street fighting drag machine. =D Ok i seem to have gone a little crazy with lego, but i couldn't help myself coz there was a crazy toy sale. Kmart seems busier than ever coz of the stocktake sale and also the coming of the school holidays. All these parents rushing to buy toys for their kids while the price is cheap is creating a lot of work we have to do when they leave. i also bought myself an Exo-force Mech called the Stealth Hunter. It looks like a cross between gundam and macross. Supposedly there's an alternate model i can build called the stealth wasp. But they don't have instructions for that. i'll try to look it up on the net. The are pics of the stealth wasp and they look really cool. i had to take my supervisor home last night after work. Her car seems to have been in a crash. Anyways it was kinda wierd when as i'm pulling out of the carpark, she tells me to slow down just to yell out random things to my workmates as they are still in the carpark. The same thing also happened when i arrived at the traffic lights and there was a workmate in the lane next to us. Sometimes i think she has maturity of a teenager. i also found out that she lives just down the road from my house. =S It's a small crazy world. Oh well, gonna play with lego now.

Blogging for a year

Actually this is not true. i've been blogging since april in 2004. i
changed to blogger in july 2005 and recently i noticed that its been a
year since i first posted at blogger. i still remember the first post
i made in blogger. It really shows how time flies. i switched to
blogger in an attempt to get away from my own demons, but they seem to
get to me from time to time. i also liked the way i could manipulate
the layout of the blog using blogger's xml scripting. It's really
cool. Going through a year's worth of archives shows that i've had
a lot of ups and downs but i seem to take every day as it comes
without much preparation. Maybe that's a thing i can learn from. i
can't prepare what's gonna happen in the future. The archives shows
what i've been thinking and doing mainly throughout the end of my uni
life to the start of working life. i don't think i've changed much
since the first time i blogged at blogger. i guess i am adapting to
my environment. In other news i took my grandparents home from the
airport today. i was waiting for them in the arrivals section and was
surprised to see them escorted by a nice customs officer. i guess she
wanted to talk to the relatives who could speak enough english to
understand and translate. It turns out that for the fruits or veggies
that ARE allowed to be bought into this country, they must have labels
of the ingredients in English written on the product package. The
only reason she didn't seize all his preserved fruit was coz my
grandpa had a whole massive enormous box of it. But she believed that
there were no egg or milk products in the box coz my grandpa told her
(somehow) that they were strict vegetarians that don't take eggs or
milk. Almost to the extent of vegans. i kinda want my own parents to
come back sooner. Organising dinner for my siblings is kinda getting
tedious now. Kinda not looking forward to work tomorrow. Pyscho toy
sale is stressful.